Cue the dreamy music.
Imagine, if you will, that it is January, 2017, and by some momentary stroke of temporary sanity, America has come to its senses long enough to elect me President. Oh, what a “conservative” utopia we would have. Here, allow me to explain. The following is a list of things I would do on day one – because Obama and his Party made it possible:
1 – I would declare that I have “reason to suspect” everyone in the Obama Administration has ties to “Al-Qaeda associated forces” (a declaration that is not far from reality). Then I would tell my fleet of drones to just continue with the establish Obama policies. Then I declare the war on terror solved and recall our troops. See, utopia.
2 – I would include all members of the “main stream media” to be “Al-Qaeda forces.” They’ve pretty much been acting the part, so I’ll just grant them the official recognition their actions deserve (hope they can dodge drones).
3 – I would direct the EPA, Education Department, EPA, DHS, TSA and a few others to self-terminate by deleting ALL their regulations. Hey, if Obama can make law by executive order, I can erase it, right? See, utopia.
4 – I would declare a 100% tax on “the rich,” then re-define “the rich” as anyone in the Democrat Party. I would follow that with an executive order directing the IRS to crawl up every “new rich” person’s arse end with their magnifying glasses, and to bring the IRS SWAT teams with them when they visit a major celebrity or Democrat CEO/Investment tycoon.
5 – I would also direct the IRS to collect taxes from the “new rich” on all their wealth. When they cry that the law does not allow me to tax wealth, I would agree with them, and then explain that their wealth isn’t really wealth, it is “otherwise allocated income.” Hey, if it’s not a war, but a “kinetic military action,” then why can’t I declare wealth to be “otherwise allocated income?” See, utopia.
6 – I would declare all REAL illegal immigrants to be “members of the opposition Party,” and label all REAL “members of the opposition Party” to be illegal immigrants. Then I would announce a $100,000 reward for every “illegal immigrant” that can be proven to have been exported back to a cartel controlled part of Mexico (see, I protected the Mexican minorities with that executive order, so I don’t want to hear any of you lefties calling me racist here ).
7 – I will direct my remaining national defense agencies to start monitoring and tracking the locations and activities of anyone who shows any sign of disagreeing with my policies. If they actually speak out against me, I will exercise my Obama-given power to have them snatched up in the middle of the night. However, as it is against American policy to torture, I will have them deported to Israel where they can be interrogated by the Mossad while being forced to listen to Ted Nugent and Charlie Daniels music baring in their ears 24 hours of the day.
8 – Let’s see, what else? Oh! I know. I will bypass Congress and direct all federal agencies to leave anyone and everyone who can prove they voted for me the hell alone. If they can prove they voted for me, I will direct the federal government to have absolutely NO contact with them in any way. They can pick on whoever didn’t vote for me all they want.
And there you go: all things Obama has either done or declared he has the power to do any time he feels the urge. I told you this was going to be a “conservative” utopia made by Obama and his minions.
OH! almost forgot:
9 — Anyone who disagrees with me is a bigoted, homophobic, hating racist! And they’re too stupid to have an opinion, either.
There, that’s everything. Finally, utopia!