January brought us a new Miss America, 17 year old Teresa Scanlan.

We, here at The Rio Norte Line thought that our local beauties deserved just as much attention and since I had a little time, access to public records, a screwed sense of humor and irony and a desire to drive traffic to my new website, I thought we could honor some local talent.

Miss America has the image of being a virginal, goodie two-shoes, so we thought that the bad girls, the slightly naughty, deserved a little spotlight of their own. So without further adieu, we present the first annual Hoosegow Hotties Beauty Pageant – Bay County Edition.

Please vote in the comments – as with Chicago elections, you may vote early and often.

Group 1

Contestant Number 1 is the lovely 20 year old Amber, Amber was unfortunately incarcerated for (allegedly)- failure to appear-violation of probation-grand theft, failure to appear-violation of probation-fraud use credit card, violation of probation-grand theft, fraud use personal

Contestant #2 is the mesmerizing Tiffany, 22; Tiff was unfortunately incarcerated for larceny (allegedly)

Contestant # 3 is the stunningly gorgeous (and criminally productive) Christina, 18. Petite XTina is so nice, she is pictured twice and lands on our radar for two separate alleged issues on two different dates (January was not kind to our XTina), first for : driving while license suspended or revoked, violation of probation: poss of drug para, violation of probation and later for domestic battery.

Group 2

Contestant Number 4 is slightly exotic Kayla, 18. Kayla was in the klink for (allegedly) for failure to appear:domestic violence battery, violation of probation:possession of drug paraphernalia.

Contestant Number 5 is the sad but sexy Jennifer, 24. Jen is alleged to have passed a forged – altered instrument, and larceny.

Contestant Number 6 is the MILFish Kristina, 31. Kristina with a “K” likes extracurricular activities; she is in for domestic battery (alleged).

Contestant Number 7, Melodi, 18, appears to enjoy MMA events and is studying chemistry – her alleged offense: possession of narcotics equipment.

Group 3

Contestant Number 8 is the remorseful Marie, 21. Under her somber exterior, she simply believes that girls just want to have fun. Her offenses (alleged) are drugs-health or safety – possess new legend drug without a prescription, possession of less than 20 grams of marijuana, possession of narcotics equipment, possession of a controlled substance without a prescription

Contestant Number 9, the effervescent Whitney, 24, continues to exhibit her bubbly personality even in difficult times. Wylie Whit, as is her mysterious way, was detained for (alleged) evidence-destroying – tamper with or fabricate physical, possession of less than 20 grams of marijuana.

Contestant Number 10, the elfish Elizabeth, 22, is another frequent guest of the local constabulary (alleged), her ticket to the Hoosegow Hottie competition: recommit: poss of oxycodone, recommit: poss of methemphetemine.

Contestant Number 11, the enchanting Alicia, 22, lists one of her talents as handwriting analysis. Her offense (alleged) is passing a forged instrument – alter bank bill, note, check or draft.

And now, a little somethin’ somethin’ for the ladies…

Our entertainment for the evening – The Great Erik, coiffure artist and magician.

Hosting this month’s festivities is the ever stylish, Erik. Erik is a 24 year old hair stylist, aspiring magician and illusionist. His offense (alleged) is listed as fleeing and attempting to elude law enforcement. When subdued, Erik said, “man, I was just practicing my disappearing act, yo!” Credit for our magician Erik’s hair style goes to Francine’s Hair for Men and Tire Shop. Their motto: “Blow-outs are not just for tires anymore.”

Let’s give a round of applause for all of this month’s contestants and remember, as always, while in the court of public opinion our lovely ladies may be guilty of the crime of being sexalicious, all of our contestants are innocent of all charges until proven guilty in a court of law.

Enjoy…