Assault With A Deadly Flame Broiled Instrument…

Banned by Order of Michelle Obama

This is from a while back but I think it is still funny, even if I do say so myself – I know the author.

First of all, let’s just get this out of the way – I love living in Panama City. For all the flack we get, it is a great place to live and work and the beaches are beyond compare. I’ve been to a lot of places and our sugar white sands and emerald waters are right up there with just about anywhere.  Our people are friendly and welcoming and the environment is typical of a small town striving to stay small in character while having a major tourist attraction as one of its boundaries.

It is like trying to transplant an Amish community between Disneyworld and Universal Studios in Orlando – a clash of cultures/yin versus yang sort of thing.

We are often knocked for being the “Redneck Riviera” and the spring break debauchery capital of the South. Admittedly, we do have a large percentage of beer drinking, fried chicken eating, Joe Bob Bubba folks and our Toyota Prius to Ford F350 Turbodiesel ratio is pretty low, but I think that our reputation is due less to the locals and more to the uncontrolled migration of Auburn fans – I understand that border checkpoints are being set up and now people flying into the Northwest Beaches International Airport, Taco Stand and Carwash (aka the Panama City airport) from the equally multi-named Auburn-Opelika Robert G. Pitts Regional Airport will have to pass through customs. To be allowed entry, travelers must have at least 20 out of 32 natural teeth or a full set of dentures and comply with the legal requirement to wear them (in the mouth) between the hours of 6 am and 11 pm.

We do work hard to earn our reputation, though. In the past several months, the local paper, The Panama City News Herald, has hosted headlines like these:

Seeing a naked, raw pattern here? The birthday suit is classified as business casual dress for the Florida Panhandle, so it isn’t just spring breakers…

Just when you think that you have seen it all – and we have seen a lot (apparently mostly with nakedness) – we now have suffered an assault with a deadly flame broiled instrument.

Man hurls hamburger at wife, charged with battery

FORT WALTON BEACH — A man was arrested after throwing a hamburger at his wife while she was driving on Eglin Parkway Jan. 5, according to an arrest report.

The 52-year-old man was “extremely intoxicated” in the passenger seat of the car, according to the report from the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office. He began to argue with his wife who was driving the car.

His wife said he then threw a hamburger at her, hitting her in the shoulder and chest, according to the report.

Deputies noted that the wife’s clothing was stained with mustard in the area she claimed the hamburger hit her.

The man was arrested and charged with misdemeanor battery, according to the report.

Misdemeanor battery?  With a hamburger? Really?

Maybe I could agree with that if it was a cheeseburger or if it had jalapenos or chipotle sauce on it – after all we all know what a danger cheese and acid reflux is to our society. The cost to our fledgling universal health care system for Lipitor and antacids is too staggering to contemplate.

What would this guy have gotten if it was a fully loaded cheeseburger from Five Guys? Attempted murder?

I understand that under the regulatory auspices of the First Lady, Michelle Obama, that was all that they could charge him with. That darn “Let’s Move!” campaign of hers is just too soft on food crime. Just wait, if the full force of Obamacare is brought to bear in 2014, a similar incident with a Sonic single patty with cheese or a McDonald’s Happy Meal will get you assault with a deadly weapon…move up to a Wendy’s Triple with everything, a McDonald’s McRib or anything from Five Guys or Backyard Burgers and you will get a beef for attempted murder…

We Redneck Rivierians must move to end this travesty. With spring break just around the corner – when both locals and undocumented immigrants from Auburn alike will create an explosive increase in the possession of these deadly WMSs (weapons of mass stainage), these injurious drunken sandwich hurlings must stop.  Our society cannot withstand the irresponsible possession of such a weapon with the massive potential to do so much harm to so much clothing. The cost to the public in dry cleaning and stain remover is beyond calculation.

We must not heed the claims from the Clothing/Laundry Complex that if we outlaw cheeseburgers, only outlaws will have cheeseburgers. Nor should we be fooled by the Burger King lobby’s assertion that burgers don’t kill people, people do. We must not listen to the hue and cry from those who will claim with religious fervor that if God had not meant us to eat cows, He would not have made them out of meat. These multiple burger, Sonic brown bag special buyers are just crazy with their multiple burger/patty ownership. We progressives know better – Tofu, kelp smoothies and free range salads never killed anybody.

America doesn’t have a legacy of burger ownership, why – there were no burgers at all in colonial America.  This is clearly determined in Arming America: The Origins of a National Burger Culture (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2000) by Michael A. Bellesiles (Bellesiles received the prestigious National Bland Food Prize for his scholarly work). We should not fall for the interpretation of the Second Amendment that “A well regulated grill, being necessary to the security of a Free State, the right of the People to keep and flame broil beef not be infringed” means that we do not have the right to determine just who can “have it their way”.  It does not mean that people from Auburn, or Larry the Cable Guy for that matter, have the right to keep and grill with bare arms.

I propose that we immediately ban any bag that can hold more than 2 burgers and that all fast food outlets put serial numbers on their patties for tracking purposes. There should also be a 2 week “cooling off” period for any multiple burger purchase or for any burger over one patty in size.  There should be a background check for prior burger related crimes or allegiance to any Auburn collegiate sports program. Purchases of multiple patty burgers shall be regulated and controlled by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Delicious Flame Broiled Beef under the Burger Czar, Michelle Obama.

People, we must resolve that a beef is not to be settled with tasty beef. That is not what a progressive and civilized society does. We settle our differences diplomatically with strongly worded menus…and tofu – lots and lots of tofu.

Note – the author’s beef with Auburn has to do with the fact that he is an Ole Miss fan and still has a hard time with the Tommy Tuberville situation from 1998. Tuberville made the statement, “They’ll have to carry me out of here in a pine box,” in reference to not leaving Ole Miss to coach at another school. Two days after he made that statement, it was announced that he was departing for Auburn.

2 thoughts on “Assault With A Deadly Flame Broiled Instrument…

  1. Now Tommy Tuberville deserves the triple burger with extra mustard assault. And for good measure, a Boston Creme pie in the face.

    Auburn students are just Alabama students with their brains knocked out. 😉

  2. I’m really shocked and amazed that you have the audactiy to post the nudie article about me! (We all know why I was in the buff….southern girls sleep that way…) The true reason that I was hiding under the bed is because I had just beat my attacker off with a filet mignon! Believe it or not, Stand Your Ground didn’t hold up in my case! I got five years in the hoosegow for assault with an endangered species!

    If anyone needs a penpal……. or if you have some red meat or hobo you’re willing to part with, please write me…..

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