I Love the Smell of Napalm in the Morning…

******SPEW ALERT – PUT DOWN THE BEVERAGE AND SWALLOW BEFORE READING******

You have now been warned.

This is a delayed post because I was laughing so hard that I just couldn’t copy and paste this morning. I couldn’t retain enough of my fine motor skills to post it.

I couldn’t stop thinking about a similar conversation that I just had with a guy from Edinburgh in a local pub this past weekend.

See, this guy was bragging about the new aircraft carrier that is being built in a slip just up the Port here from us. “Americans don’t do this kind of stuff any longer, Mate.”  “This will be the most sophisticated aircraft carrier in the world – better than anything that you Yanks have”, he says.

Well, that’s fine, I say – but you do know that your government has to borrow our Marine Corps Harriers to put on it because you don’t have anything to fly off it, right?

Britain will be forced to borrow U.S. warplanes to fly from the Royal Navy’s new aircraft carriers because of defence cuts, the Daily Mail can reveal.

The Navy’s Harrier Jump Jets – the aircraft that won renown in the Falklands conflict – are to be retired early leaving the two new carriers with no aircraft when they come into service.

Under the plans, the U.S. Marines would be invited to fly from the British carriers in joint operations and the Navy is also examining the prospect of leasing aircraft from the Americans.

Conversation kind of petered out after that.

Then this morning, I read this:

I was having dinner…in London…when eventually he got, as the Europeans always do, to the part about “Your country’s never been invaded.” And so I said, “let me tell you who those bad guys are. They’re us. WE BE BAD. We’re the baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We’re three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and descended from a stock market crash on our mother’s side. You take your Germany, France, and Spain, roll them all together and it wouldn’t give us room to park our cars. We’re the big boys, Jack, the original, giant, economy-sized, new and improved butt kickers of all time. When we snort coke in Houston, people lose their hats in Cap d’Antibes. And we’ve got an American Express card credit limit higher than your piss-ant metric numbers go. You say our country’s never been invaded? You’re right, little buddy. Because I’d like to see the needle-dicked foreigners who’d have the guts to try. We drink napalm to get our hearts started in the morning. A rape and a mugging is our way of saying “Cheerio”.  Hell can’t hold our sock-hops. We walk taller, talk louder, spit further, fuck longer and buy more things than you know the names of. I’d rather be a junkie in a New York City jail than king, queen, and jack of all Europeans. We eat little countries like this for breakfast and shit them out before lunch.”

Of course, this guy should have punched me. But this was EUrope. He just smiled his shabby, superior European smile. (God, don’t these people have dentists?)

Many thanks to Maetenloch at AOSHQ for the nod to P.J. O’Rourke and for basically making my f*ckin’ day.

More of P.J. O’Rourke’s rants here.

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