James Taranto has his today:
Here’s a darkly funny story from Damien McElroy of London’s Daily Telegraph:
In an extraordinary 10-page letter that reads like an employee’s disciplinary hearing, the veteran Jihadist fighter was criticised by the Shura Council, the 14-man governing body of Al-Qaeda in the Islamic Maghreb, in which they called him a “bleeding wound” among the then thriving Islamist factions in North Africa when he threatened to form a breakaway group.
“Your letter . . . contained some amount of backbiting, name-calling and sneering,” they write. “We refrained from wading into this battle in the past out of a hope that the crooked could be straightened by the easiest and softest means. . . . But the wound continued to bleed, and in fact increasingly bled, until your last letter arrived, ending any hope of staunching the wound and healing it.”
When I read this, I immediately thought of a series of posts by the incomparable satirical genius, Iowahawk, from 2005. Here’s a taste:
Iowahawk Guest Commentary
by Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
Senior VP, Al-Qaeda In Iraq
How’s it hangin,’ homos? Same ol’ – same ol’ here in the Big Sandbox. Not much new since my last letter; Team Satan keeps dropping the hammer, we keep mopping up the jihadi juice. Despite the occasional market-bombing morale booster, the situation has been going downhill for a while now. So I guess you could say that everybody was pretty jazzed last week when big bossman Zawahiri sent out a memo announcing casual Fridays and a special ‘R&R event.’
Well yeah, okay, normally the Zarkman is cool with a little downtime. Chance to catch up on the email and paperwork and all that, especially since I’ve got like three months of travel expenses that Fatima (wife #3, the fat one) has been all over my ass to file. Anyway, I’m in the middle of Xeroxing some ammonia nitrate receipts Friday morning, thinking about what I needed to pack for the weekend family trip to Damascus, when I get another memo:
From: A. al-Zawahiri
To: All Associates
Subject: Mandatory Weekend Retreat
Oh fucking terrific. I popped my head up over my cubicle to see if Khalid had read it yet, and he just sorta looks up at me and rolls his one good eye.
Anyway, I call the wives on my cell and tell them to cancel the room reservations, and you can just imagine how big that shit went over. “You know the kids were really looking forward to the rides at Assadland,” “it’d be nice if you could occassionally be home to read them a bedtime surah,” “you know that roof is not going to thatch itself,” blah blah fucking blah. Then the wives start in on that suspicious “if we didn’t know better, we’d think you were seeing another harem” crap, like I got enough energy to go fornicating after a week of occupier missile strikes and filling out the Q1 school bomb progress reports.
But hey, Zarkman’s a team player. So I’m out on the curb with everybody else late Friday, piling into the courtesy van headed to the Ramadi Inn conference center, and guess what? I have to sit next to that new French intern Ali the entire trip. Holy frickin’ Prophet, what a weasely little brown-noser. “Oh Monsieur Zarqawi, it is the great pleasure to be working for the jihad with you!” while I’m just trying to get some peace and quiet and work on my Times crossword. I swear I’d shitcan that little suckup tomorrow if the martyr recruiting market wasn’t so damn tight. About an hour into the trip we took a few rounds from the Iraqi collaborators, which thankfully shut him up, but then I had to deal with his shitstank the rest of the way.
Saturday morning after continental breakfast we gathered in the Fallujah Room for the opening session which got started late because, as usual, nobody can remember to bring the freaking network cord for the projector. Then Zawahiri stands up and flashes the opening slide: “Restoring the Caliphate: A TQM Roadmap For Strategic Empowerment.”
Oh, man, I think. This ought to be good for some laughs. His big intro?
“Brothers, at the end of the day, to break through the strategic gap, we have to level-set all associates to tee-up a flat, service-focused organizational paradigm with benchmarks for long range results.”
At that point I basically knew where the whole fucking weekend was going. So then he trots out his precious freaking ‘Five Point Roadmap.’ Get a load of this shit, which I cut and pasted from his actual PowerPoint:
1. Develop Skill-Set Synergies For Expelling Crusaders From Mesopotamia
2. Achieve Buy-In For Scalable ‘Bleeding Edge’ Regional Amirate Platform
3. Implement Adaptive ‘Win-Win’ Map To Break Down Intra-Regional Jihad Silos
4. Champion Mission-Critical Processes For Dis-Implementing Zionist Pigs
5. Pareto-ize Alpha Office for Stakeholder-Focused Global Sharia Capabilities
Then, I swear to Allah, 58 drilldown slides of this crap. Lucky I was at the back of the room with Minesweeper on my laptop, otherwise I would have volunteered for my own martyrdom operation just to end the misery. Finally, at around 11:30, Fearless Leader opens the floor for questions.
Yeah, I got a question, I thought. How many consultants did you hire to put together this box-and-arrow clusterfuck? But, since it was close to lunch, I kept my mouth shut. Then Achmed the Saudi raises his hand. Now, you have to understand, Achmed is pretty much the team wiseass, so half the room was smiling and the other half was cringing when he stood up. “Imam,” he says, “let’s go back to phase number one on your waterfall chart. Ummmm, how does this expel-the-crusaders thing happen again?”
The first time I read this, I laughed so hard that I cried.