If I Were Elected President in 2016

Let’s assume that I get elected to the Presidency in 2016. My first call is to Putin and the second is to the President of Mexico:

“Vlad. Wasssssup! Good, good…you know I don’t deal with that thick Russian-ass accent well, so I’m afraid I just need you to stuff a sock in it and listen.”

“Hey, you know that “flexibility” that you got from the last administration? Yeah – that’s done. You know how the ads for the little blue pill say if there is rigidity for four hours, you should call your doctor? Well, better make sure your contacts are updated in the old iPhone because the word “rigid” defines our new foreign policy. Missile shield is going back in and what is left of Ukraine isn’t getting any more MREs, we are sending them MRLs – missiles ready to launch.”

“Sorry, no time to talk. I don’t expect a response and don’t bother with another letter to the editors of the Times, I don’t read it. And even if I did, I’ve been practicing my snark for 8 looooong years, so the smackdown would be EPIC. Save your strength, you are going to need it.”

“Dasvidanya, Comrade – or as we say over here in the good old US of A – later gator..I got to jet. Got to get the President of Mexico on the other line…working down my to-do list, you know…”


“El Presidente! How’s it hangin’? Thanks for taking my call. No, no, I didn’t take offense that you didn’t call to congratulate me after the election…yeah, I don’t let douchy little stuff like that get under my skin. I don’t forget, I just figure it comes with the territory…anyhoo, what goes around comes around, amiright? You know I am!”

“Hey, just wanted to reach out about this border thing. Yeah – we have decided to help you guys out and classify all 15 million of your citizens who are here illegally as refugees.”

“Yeah, that’s what we thought – just humanitarian thing to do, right? But you know what comes to mind? If these folks are refugees, they must be refugeeing from something, right? Your government and little shithole country must be treating them pretty bad for them to risk death to get here, right?

“Yeah, well you know the funny thing about refugees? They have leaders – and we found them. They really want to come back to their families but the can’t make a living scratching in the dirt in good ole Meh-he-co, so we took a page from our former community organizin’ Prez and organized them.”

“Yep. After explained how things were going to go, they were hot to cut a deal with us…we are bringing back all the hardware that Obama left in Iraq and Afghanistan and we are giving it to them. We are also training them at the military bases in Texas – Jefe Perry was cool to run the program for me and the new governor, Greg Abbott was more than happy to help. You know, some of your folks have a pretty good aptitude for flying those old A-10’s we just mothballed – who knew, right? I’m as shocked as you probably are – but I guess being pissed off that your government doesn’t give a shit about you is a pretty big motivator.”

“Well, yes, yes, Mr. El Presidente, you treated them so bad, to them braving starvation, dehydration and those damn Texas rattlers – you know, some of those sum bitches can get to be 8 or 9 feet long – that getting to America was like escaping a big Mexico shaped prison…and they broke our laws with your full knowledge – so yes, I can give them any type of aid they want. It just so happens that armored personnel carriers and surplus MRAPS, M-16s and MP-5s are a form of “aid” – seems we had a pretty good stock of the latter left over from Fast and Furious and as for the former, every little piss-hole town in America has enough ordnance to retake Fallujah from fuckin’ ISIL or whatever comic book name they are calling themselves this week (and BTW,those assholes are next on my shit list).”

“Well, this has been great spending quality time with you, neighbor. Look on the bright side, the “refugees” are just as pissed at the cartels as they are you, so when we turn all these little ruthless, armed to the teeth and pissed off Simon Bolivar wannabes loose to cross the Rio Grande, they will clean them out for you.”

“Clock is tickin’, Presidente Dude. FYI, we are going to open the gate in late summer, so if you are still around in, say, November, I’ll chat you up and see how you feel about our border situation then. If you are not, good luck on all future endeavors and remember – dropping the soap in a Mexican prison isn’t really a good idea. I hear those places are filled with dudes ready to drill for oil in little effete former government officials – if you know what I mean…and I’m sure you do…”

“Later, my homie. El Presidente Smith out.”

7 thoughts on “If I Were Elected President in 2016

  1. “Being pissed off that your government doesn’t give a shit about you is a pretty big motivator”–truer words were never spoken. You got my vote!

  2. I will promise to vote for you if you promise to get tougher as the days go on and add ANYONE trying to destroy the original America to your hit list.

  3. Utah,
    You are speaking my thoughts, however I would add that I think it’s time the U.S. of America expanded with a
    new state called: “Old Mexico.” A national referendum of the Mexicans would agree with the new addition?

    No more dead illegals, no hot trips through the desert, no cartels to worry about. Of course your plan to arm
    the “refugees” would be a temporary solution until the next bunch of corrupt, degenerate Mexican politicians
    took over the government?

  4. Take Mexico and shorten the border. If that doesn’t work just keep moving south to the canal. Now that’s a short border.

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