ISIS Announces Cessation of Operations

1372466537819After witnessing heinous acts of unspeakable cruelty, leaders of the radical Islamist movement move to suspend operations

Alternative News Service – November 29, 2014

According to intelligence assets inside the ISIS capital of Ar-Raqqah, on Friday night while monitoring Western television broadcasts, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi witnessed an act so ruthless that he was stricken with a paralyzing fear. According to ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani, al-Baghdadi stood in silence as the horror unfolded before him.

According to al-Adnani, after an hour of stunned silence, al-Baghdadi said:

“We cannot risk subjecting our people to this brutality. This is evidence that the West is far more ruthless and dedicated to their goals that we ever expected. I have never seen such inhumanity committed in the pursuit of an objective – no one is spared, no man, woman, child or animal is safe.
Dude, I thought we were crazy with all the beheadings and what-not but that Black Friday scene at the Best Buy on 21st South in Salt Lake scared the shit out of me. We can’t compete with that level of crazy. Did you see that dude crush that old lady over that $199 Samsung flat-screen? That was cold, man.”

Later, after reports from the UK of fights breaking out between women over cheap panties, al-Baghdadi placed a call to the ISIS field commander, Abu Omar al-Shishani. The CIA released these declassified intercepts today:

al-Baghdadi: “Omar…Sup? Big Dadi here…

al-Shishani: “Yo, your Supremeness, what up?”

al-Baghdadi: “You watching the Infidel news?”

al-Shishani: “Nah. Got my Beats by Dr. Dre on, listening to Kanye…that dude is wack but man, what a fine Armenian he got for a honey…good thing the Ottomans didn’t kill them all. Am I right?! You know I am!”

al-Baghdadi: “Man, I ain’t got time for that noise…besides, Kanye sucks. You need to kick it old school and bust out some Snoop…but put that shit down and turn on CNN. They’s crazy shit happening you need to see…”

al-Shishani: “Chill, man…I can’t find the remote – I think Fatima had it last…wait one.”

al-Baghdadi: “Hurry up. Hey, isn’t Fat your third wife?”

al-Shishani: “Nah, that #3 is Padma…Fatima is that smoking British teenager that just came over…and don’t ever call her Fat – she don’t like that. She’s already got burka image problems, man – don’t be hatin’. I got it on now…and Oh. My. Allah! What in the name of Mohammad is going on in Mormon country?!”

al-Baghdadi: “Dude – I never seen anything like it. The infidels call it Black Friday. It used to be a Great Satan thang but this year, it has spread to Canada and the UK and they don’t even have November holidays to celebrate their racist ancestors.”

al-Shishani: “Crap. What the fuck? I thought that hockey was the only thing that could get those damn hosers in the Great White North off their asses and the UK? Daaaaaamn! We just about have taken over that place plus they some straight laced Limeys! What in the name of Muhammad’s lice infested genitals is going on?!”

al-Baghdadi: “I ain’t got a clue. I mean, we behead a half a dozen infidels and not a peep – but these a-holes have been camping out for days on the sidewalk just to get a chance to score some electronics at 50% off – at midnight, dude – we are talking midnight! They crazy. Not even we can compete with that level of bat-shit insanity.”

al-Shishani: “What you want to do?”

al-Baghdadi: “After what I saw when that white bread suburban mom pushed her kids aside and cold cock that other chick over a pair of Victoria’s Secret panties, I nearly peed my pants…and she was no Alessandria Ambrosio, let me tell you. The real crime would be her wearing those panties – hopefully there is a weight limit listed on those things…”

al-Shishani: “Wait…wait…there’s some dude on the tube now from London beating the crap out of another dude over an iPhone 6…this is bad, Homes.”

al-Baghdadi: “Yep. Saw that, too. And that dude didn’t look smart enough to even use an iPhone. He might have even been gay. Makes me want to go home and spend some quality time with my sheep. I especially like the twins – Baaaaaa-bra and Be-e-e-e-e-tty.”

al-Shishani: “Done. We need a break anyway, I’ve been invited to stay with some homies in Ferguson in the Great Satan so I thought I would go over and help them out for a bit. By the way, you know why that state is called Mo-suri, right? Mohammed discovered it! Yeah, that’s the ticket!”

al-Baghdadi: “You crazy! Gotta blow, my man…hahahaha, not really! I ain’t one of those insane fuckers with the bomb vests, right?! Big-Dadi out…”

al-Shishani: “Shalom…shit, no…wait – Allah Akbar! Hahahahahahahaha! Just fuckin’ with you, dude!”

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