ASSOCIATED FAKE NEWS PRESS
SOCIAL JUSTICE TECHNOLOGY NEWS | Wed Dec 28, 2016 | 5:28am EST
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA ANNOUNCES BOLD NEW MISSION FOR NASA
By Muffy Morrison Wofford-Kennedy | NEW YORK
Outgoing President Barack Obama today announced a change of mission for NASA through a statement after his historic meeting at Pearl Harbor with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe honoring the lives lost at Pearl Harbor. In his remarks after the meeting with Abe, Obama stated:
“As many of you know, this is my final dip in the taxpayer pool and I just wanted to see how tight I could turn the screws on the American economy by spending as much as I can before Michelle and I have to leave the White House, so after apologizing to Prime Minister Abe for America’s imperialism, hegemony and lack of understanding of the desire for world domination of the pre-WWII Japanese culture that lead to Japan being forced to mount a sneak attack on Pearl Harbor, I want to announce that I have approved a new mission for NASA.
In 2010, when I appointed Charles Bolden to head NASA, I gave him three missions. First, I wanted him to help re-inspire children to want to get into science and math; secondly, to expand NASA’s international relationships; and thirdly, and perhaps foremost, AI wanted him to find a way to reach out to the Muslim world and engage much more with dominantly Muslim nations to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science, math and engineering.
After reflecting on these priorities, I realized that I had not adequately included the LGBTQ community in our priorities and now I have charged NASA to find a way to reach out to the LGBTQ community and engage much more to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science, math, engineering, fashion, interior design, gender studies, feminist theory and their stated mission to destroy the heteronormative patriarchy.
In researching how we can accomplish this, we learned that even the Star Trek franchise has recognized its behavior offensive to the LGBTQ community and changed its tag line from “… to boldly go where no man has gone before” to “…to boldly go where no ONE has gone before.” We then noticed that the misogynistic, sexist, homophobic, non-gender fluid heteronormative patriarchal culture of NASA in the 60’s and 70’s had committed a great sin within the Pioneer missions of the 70’s.
The Pioneer 10 (also known as Pioneer F) and Pioneer 11 (also known as Pioneer G) spacecrafts, were launched in 1972 and 1973 respectively to study Jupiter. Both probes achieved escape velocity and now on a very long journey beyond our solar systems, and both have a plaque mounted on them which are designed to inform alien civilizations about the spacecraft’s origin. The plaque contains a diagram of our solar system, the trajectory of the spacecraft, a drawing of a man and woman, and groups of vertical and horizontal strokes — you guessed it, binary code.
These plaques assume non-fluid binary gender constructs assigned by a repressive, sexist, homophobic so-called scientific culture. Claiming to be based on a bogus science called “biology”, this plaque only recognizes two genders/sexes and we now know through the work of the UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Gender Change that 97% of scientists whose research depends on federal funding agree with the premier non-fake news social institution of our time, Facebook, that there are at least 58 different gender designations (which may be changed at any time the individual desires).
Today, I am announcing I am invoking the Antiquities Act of 1906 and Executive Order #13999 to declare both Pioneer 10 and 11 as National Monuments and appropriate 60.3 trillion dollars to fund a manned mission to find those two probes and replace the two offensive plaques. We simply can’t have undocumented, non-Earthian civilizations thinking America isn’t progressive enough to transcend actual biological and genetic reality. This action has the force of law. There is no authority for a future president to withdraw it.”
When told that these probes haven’t been heard from since 2003 and 1995 respectively, that they are tens of thousands of astronomical units out in the vastness of space and the program expense is 3 times the total GDP of the United States, President Obama replied:
“Of course, this represents a colossal waste of taxpayer resources but nobody can stop me and on January 20th, I’m literally going to be history, so bite me. Just like I did to Bibi Netanyahu, I’m going to give you guys a grand screwing before the screen door on the White House hits my ass on the way out. If I can’t waste this money on shovel-ready projects, hashtag diplomacy and #blacklivesmatter, I’m going to make sure that rat bastard Trump can’t spend a single dime on his Nazi/Klingon policies – besides, you can’t build Starfleet Academy in San Francisco and the Starship Enterprise on the cheap, now can you?”
Pictured below is the proposed new plaque featuring Caitlyn Jenner, winner of the ESPN Courage Award. It also notes that Pluto isn’t really an actual planet: