Perhaps you have noticed that the members of the social justice tribe have developed an alternative language to signal to each other their tribal association and to communicate with each other. It may look a lot like the Queen’s English – but let me assure you it is most certainly not. As an example, here is a snippet from the abstract of an actual paper that somehow got published:

“In the context of the United States, mainstream entertainment genres continue to recycle dominant racial ideologies typified by the perspectives of white men. … This theoretical interpretative article employs Critical Race Theory (CRT) and Critical Whiteness Studies (CWS) to investigate how these projections of whiteness are historically rooted and have evolved in the post-racial era. Using popular virtual gaming and social media examples, this paper critically deconstructs how the creation of white personae via avatars maintains and justifies the hegemonic power of whiteness.”

Due to their transformations into super-perceiving beings, much like the meta-humans of the DC Comics universe or the Inhuman Mutants of the Marvel Universe, they possess abilities far beyond those of mortal men (for example, those last 6 words are from the introduction to the Superman TV program of the 1950’s and my use of them would signal the SJW Mutants that I am a sexist (because women can be super, too) and I am a misogynist who wants to keep women in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant (as we all know men did back in the 50’s. Using such a phrase from a TV show that didn’t portray minorities in a positive light also makes me a racist).

Being trained in the art and science of such languages and a renegade mutant, a veritable social justice Wolverine, one of my missions is to help regular mortals understand the alien battlefield of the Social Justice War. For this lesson, we shall turn to a common advertisement for the most American of products, Campbell’s Tomato Soup – a product so American that even Andy Warhol chose to immortalize it in art form.

Please watch the  clip below before and after reading the text below, as it will no doubt increase your knowledge and awareness of just what a terrible person you are.

Here are 14 things the Social Justice Warrior perceives in this Campbell’s Soup advertisement that you are incapable of perceiving:

1. Right off the bat, it is a crass commercial advertisement for an evil multi-national corporation (they are all evil, so the modifier is not necessarily necessary), one that likely uses tomatoes grown from Monsanto’s genetically modified seeds (GMOs).
2. The commercial is set prior to a worse than expected snowstorm which we all know is caused by global warming.
3. It is shot in a fully stocked grocery store, proving that it is racist because the communities most underserved by the evil giant grocery store chains are the inner-city black communities.
4. As there is no gunfire heard or carjackings seen in the background , this family obviously lives in a safe neighborhood not subject to their youth being hunted and killed by racist cops. #blacklivesmatter.
5. The main character did not actively shop, use coupons, or use food stamps, choosing only a brand name product instead of the cheaper store brand. This is a statement that income inequality exists and it is OK that only rich people can choose a better quality soup than the masses.
6. Also, the woman and children are all dressed in clean warm clothing and appear clean and well kempt, indicating frequent access to clean water and indoor plumbing, therefore a lack of concern for the homelessness of others (of course caused by the GOP, Reagan, Bush I and II and Donald Trump), who are no doubt lying on the street just out of the selective camera shot. Think Flint, Michigan.
7. More than basic clothing also indicates excessive consumerism and wasting of global resources used to produce such things and there is no reusable packaging or requirements to recycle those metal cans. These people are clearly anti-environment and intent on raping Mother Gaia (who will never forgive the human pestilence).
8. Only white people are shown, therefore racism. It is an example that white people and corporations only care about fellow Caucasians and blacks should be relegated to second class citizens and/or eliminated in a race war. Obvious white privilege.
9. Multiple children are shown – obviously, a statement that reproductive rights are to be taken away and abortion banned. Not a pro-choice statement.
10. The children are well behaved, indicating a preference for a two-parent, heterosexual, religious family over free-range atheist parenting, LGBTQ parents or single parents, ergo religious and gender-fluid discrimination. Also, heteronormative patriarchy. Down with it.
11. Showing children also implies it is appropriate to discriminate against working women, infertile couples and same-sex couples who cannot or simply choose not to exacerbate global warming by bringing more carbon producing units into the world to consume fossil fuels. Supports climate deniers.
12. No male figure is shown, implying it is the woman’s place to care for children and not have a career – therefore both sexist and misogynistic. Again, heteronormative patriarchy. Down with it.
13. On the way to the check stand, she grabs a bottle of wine – implying that abusing alcohol is a socially acceptable way to relieve stress where smoking marijuana is not. Certainly, anti-weed. Probably some tight-assed Republican Christian fundamentalist heterosexual bigot.
14. Lastly, the title of the advertisement is #RealRealLife. This is most definitely NOT real life for most of America. It is obviously only true for rich 1%, selfish, white, racist, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, religiously intolerant, bigoted, gender-binary, heterosexual people who drive carbon belching SUVs while listening to Queen on the “70’s on 7” channel of SiruisXM (none of which can the poor afford).

I’m sure to the untrained eye and ear, all this would seem impossible to pack that much meta-content into a seemingly harmless 25 second advertisement – but as trained professional asshole with Mutant powers, I can see as the Social Justice Warriors see. I’m just here to help you see their pain and to understand what truly miserable assholes you all really are -especially you white people with your white privilege and subconscious racism – you are the worst.