The California legislature just passed a sensible straw control law declaring the following:

• No straw dispensers may be painted black or have any sort of handle.
• “Bump” dispensers what distribute more than one straw at a time may not be sold.
• Dispensers that may contain more than 10 straws will be confiscated and not to be sold.
• Slurp suppressors are outlawed.
• Straws that may be bent into an assault configuration at home may not be sold.
• From today forward, dispensers must be bolted to tables and counter tops so they cannot be replaced in rapid, assault fashion.
• Each dispenser must have a serial number (no 3D printed dispensers are allowed) and registered with the state.
• Straw dispenser permit applications will be judged by the state as to whether the owner really needs a dispenser in the first place.
• Concealed straw dispensers will not be allowed.

Quoted in the Daily Californian, Berkeley’s non-partisan newspaper, Democrat gubernatorial candidate Gavin Newsom said, “California is on the leading edge of common sense straw control and as governor, I will sign every bill before me that guarantees straw safety. We will also explore a “straw registration” program which will require that each plastic straw will be serialized and therefore traceable if it is ever used in a criminal act.

Kamala Harris (D-Willie Brown) told Raphael Madcow of MSNBC, “We will also be moving to end straw purchases – a process where a third party legally buys a straw and then sells it to another party illegally. We will be closing the restaurant convention/straw show loophole as well.”

Maxine Waters (D-Arkham Asylum), echoed Newsom’s push, stating that she was introducing legislation in the US House of Representatives to limit the number of cheap paper straws that will be allowed to be transported across state lines. She noted, “Many illicit manufacturers in the border states of Arizona and Nevada produce cheap straws that are easily carried across our borders by straw men and handed out like candy. We must stop the flood of straws into our inner city neighborhoods where they will be handed out by the Crips and Bloods. This is all Trump’s fault anyway. The National Straw Association is a terrorist group! Inpeach 45! I’m on a mission from God, baby!”

Diane Feinstein, perhaps the dumbest Senator except for Patty Murray of the Peoples Socialist Republic of Washington, was quoted by ABC’s George Aloysius Snuffleupagus as saying, “The only way to end the straw violence is to get these assault dispensers off the counters. It’s for the children…or the turtles, I forget. Cut me some slack, I’m 85 for Christ’s sake.”

House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi (D-Botox) told CNN that next week, she will be introducing legislation to require thumbprint activated “smart” dispensers to assure straws are not dispensed willy-nilly and allowed to get in to the hands of children. “Good Lord, that’s why they make sippy cups”, she exclaimed. “Plus, California doesn’t want to lose its spot as #1 in the nation for the the most meaningless, yet impossibly inconvenient and painfully expensive gestures! We’re #1!”