Interviewed tonight by CNN’s immaculately dressed and coiffured Anderson Vanderbilt Cooper, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez voiced support for the heroic firefighting efforts in California, Nevada and Utah. “Fire departments are perfect examples of socialism”, said the up and coming star of the Democrat Party. “They are paid by the collective for the good of the collective and each of the local government’s own all the equipment and facilities.”
She continued, “I would also point out that these areas also will receive FEMA assistance and will be eligible for federal funds, another example of socialist actions.”
When Cooper pointed out that many of the home destroyed in the mountains are part time residences of wealthy Americans and that only a few states were eligible for these federal programs, the Bolshievk Barbie replied, “Anderson, we democratic socialists have a plan for that.”
“What might that be?” quizzed and attentive Vanderbilt-Cooper.
“As my first act after being elected by the proletariat, I will introduce a bill to abolish ICE – the Department of Immigration and Customs Enforcement – and create the Department of Equal Outcomes to replace it.”
“Interesting, said Randy Andy. “Would you give us some details?”
“Well, the Department of Equal Outcomes will have many wide ranging responsibilities – but since we are talking about the wildfires, I’ll use them as examples. It works like this:
Every time there is a natural disaster along our coasts, floods in the heartland or wildfires in our western states, we will designate an area equal in size and economic diversity to those effected by the disasters, say in Detroit, Chicago or New York, and set fire to those areas so that those people will have access to federal money and the firefighters in those areas have something to do. If wealthy areas in the canyons or the mountains of the west are affected, we will randomly select homes on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago, Bloomfield Hills outside Detroit and Westchester County in New York (my home county) and the officers of the Department of Equal Outcomes (the DEO) will burn them to the ground. We will not allow these homes to be rebuilt but the owners will have their choice of any of the FEMA house trailers we have left over from Hurricane Katrina. After their insurance pays for moving those trailers to the site and the utilities are hooked up, the remainder of the insurance proceeds will be confiscated by the DEO to be distributed to the less economically advantaged who suffered in the other areas of the country.”
“That certainly is in keeping with the equality concept of socialism,” Vanderbilt-Cooper adoringly commented. “But you said this new Department was wide reaching – what else might it do?”
“I’m glad you asked. We will use it to reduce national crime as well. Our crime programs work the same way – sister cities will be designated, for example Chicago will be paired up with Lincoln, Nebraska and Tulsa, Oklahoma and for every person shot in Chicago over a weekend, local DEO tactical teams will go out on Monday morning and shoot people of the opposite race in Lincoln and Tulsa. That’s just how committed good socialists must be.”
“That sounds soooo fair and equal!” exclaimed Vanderbilt-Cooper.
“Anderson, you know a hero of mine, the Pulitzer Prize winning Walter Duranty of the New York Times, once said of the actions of another great hero of mine, Josef Stalin, ‘you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.’”
Vanderbilt-Cooper interrupted, “Well unfortunately, we are out of time for tonight. We certainly want to have you back to discuss democratic socialism in depth because it sounds wonderful.”
“Certainly, Anderson…and may I say your gray hair is super!” said Ocasio-Cortez.
“This has been Anderson Vanderbilt-Cooper 360 and we have been discussing very enlightened ideas of democratic socialism with America’s leading expert on the subject, the miseducated and economically illiterate (but aren’t they all?) Democrat Party socialist darling, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Please join us tomorrow night when our guests will be the leaders of Venezuela and Cuba, Nicolas Maduro and Raul Castro. We will have a great debate about which is better – good old Soviet style socialism of Cuba or the more successful modern socialism of Venezuela and why America seems resist the glory of either. Good night.”