𝑆𝑝𝑒𝑎𝑘𝑒𝑟 𝑃𝑒𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑖 𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑚𝑠 𝑠𝑖𝑡𝑢𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦 𝑠𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑜𝑢𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑘𝑒𝑟 “𝑠𝑖𝑙𝑒𝑛𝑡 𝑏𝑢𝑡 𝑑𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑙𝑦”
By: Michael Smith, Chief Political Correspondent
Washington, D.C. – Today, at a hastily called press conference outside House Hearing Room #235 and wearing a tired, constipated look, Democrats Adam Schiff, Chairman of the House Select Committee on Intelligence, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Intel Committee member Representative Eric “Duke Nukem” Swalwell announced there would be an investigation to ferret out a suspected leaker on the committee.
“Something about this really stinks,” said Schiff. “Someone has been leaking in public and even though no one admits to it, it really smells. A leak of this magnitude gives the Republicans a whiff of what our impeachment strategy is constructed.”
“Hopefully, the threat of an investigation will tighten up a few sphincters,” added House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “I from San Francisco, so I know what steaming crap smells like, and this smells just like the streets back home. We’re going to stop this so fast, it’s going to leave skid marks.”
“There is an ill wind blowing and let me tell you, someone is going to get hoisted on their own petard when we catch them,” replied Schiff. “We suspect it is someone who has diarrhea of the mouth and we’re aiming to get them Imodiumed up and wiped clean.”
Pelosi continued, “We know someone is passing something in front of the media, we just need to sniff them out. Leaks of this nature can be silent but deadly. If they think they can get away with this, they are sadly mistaken, we’re going to check everyone down to their underwear.”
“Why do you guys keep looking at me?” asked a nervous Rep. Swalwell. “I didn’t do it. I swear!”