Decision 2016

You are on the 5th floor of a building and the bottom three floors are on fire and the fourth is beginning to smoulder. The streets to the building are blocked and no help can reach you in time. On the floor with you are Jill Stein, Gary Johnson, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Each has an idea of what to do. Here are your choices:

1. Do nothing and just hope everything works out and the first responders find a way through. Do this and you are all eventually going to die because the cavalry isn’t coming over the hill and the fire will burn you all. You die.

2. Jill Stein says the fire was set by the government just like they did on 9/11 and fire can’t melt steel, so everything will be ok as long as we force the government to tell the truth after the fire burns out – but because you don’t believe her, she wants to douse you with gasoline and take you with her to run directly into the fire so you die immediately.

3. Gary Johnson wants to form a drum circle, burn a bowl of bud and give the fire room to let it happen – because libertarians with progressive leanings don’t believe the floor below you should be a border that fires aren’t allowed to cross. The fire doesn’t care – so again, you all die.

4. Hillary Clinton wants to create a collectivist village and implement a program to end fires because they are racist, sexist, bigoted, homophobic and islamophobic and will hurt the poor and Muslims most (even though there are no poor or Muslims in the burning building). To pay for it, she makes everyone empty their pockets into the center of Gary Johnson’s drum circle, takes 75% of the money and distributes the remaining 25% in a progressive redistribution scheme. You are a white Christian male, so you get nothing. She walks to the elevator shaft and throws all the money down the open shaft at the fire. Nothing changes…you all still die but the New York Times claims Hillary’s anti-fire program was a success since no poor or Muslims were harmed (even though there were no poor or Muslims in the burning building).

5. Donald Trump calls everyone else a low energy loser and proposes to make a yuge jump out the window to the ground 5 floors below. You won’t die from the fire but the sudden deceleration when you meet the surface of the planet might kill you and you will surely be seriously hurt – and even if you survive, you might still die or be permanently impaired – but unlike the other choices, you are not guaranteed a slow and horrible death. Plus the ride down will be tremendous, I can tell you that. Believe me.

There’s Decision 2016 in a nutshell.

4 thoughts on “Decision 2016

  1. I’m going to team up with Trump and go up on the roof and call his helicopter to come get just me and him. Then we will fly around the building until we see the other 3 burn to death.

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