By Muffy Morrison Wofford-Kennedy, Vassar College, Class of 2013.

I have decided to vote for Obama because he is so AWESOME!

Obama is the hardest working president ever, ever, ever. He works so hard that he barely has time to play his favorite game, golf. He has been president for almost four years and he has barely had time to play 104 rounds. He campaigns so hard that he hasn’t had time to meet with his jobs council but once this year. Isn’t it AWESOME that he works so hard?

He is also the smartest president ever, ever, ever. He is so smart that Donald Trump wants to pay $5,000,000 to see his school records. I think it is because The Donald thinks he is smarter but since Obama is so smart, Occidental College, Columbia and Harvard won’t release his records because it might embarrass poor Mr. Trump. The elitists in the Ivy League are so sensitive and considerate to the feelings of others, aren’t they? Especially to dumb billionaires like Mr. Trump who aren’t smart enough to be as smart as President Obama to go to school at Harvard.

AWESOME! I know, right!?

I’m also voting for Obama because he is protecting my ladyparts in the War on Women that the nasty Republicans are fighting with Sandra Fluke. It is such a shame that in a rich country like America that a 30 year old professional student can’t get her contraception paid for whether she is pretty enough to need it or not. I also know that Obama is working so hard to protect women that he has to use the money that he would pay women who work for him more but he doesn’t have enough and has to pay them less than the men…but I don’t care about that because he says that he wants other people to pay women the same as men and that’s OK with me.

Everybody should vote for Obama! Yea!

He is so awesome on the economy, too. He says that he has made 5 million jobs and I just love that. The nasty, non-awesome, white Republicans say that it was only 325,000 jobs but I know Obama wouldn’t lie. He has had lots of trouble because that mean Bush left such a mess for him. All of those people who dropped out of the workforce are just having funemployment because Obama is sending them all a check so that they can have fun for 99 weeks. I just know that I will have a job in his government when I get my degree in Russian poetry of the 1800’s.

I’m so smart – like Obama. Yea, me!

I like Obama because he is black, and you know what they say about black guys…they have big…ideas! Ha. Ha. I’ll bet you thought I was going to say penis, didn’t you? Well, anyway, I think he is sexy and I sometimes fantasize about how cool my friends would think I am if I had a minority boyfriend. It would be so edgy…amiright? Kinda like having a pet that nobody else has. Cool…so cool. Once black, never back, I always say. Or at least that’s what it says on that “Blacks on Blondes” website and the Internet doesn’t lie. The government won’t let them say something that isn’t true. It’s like a law or something.

Bl-ack Hussein Obama, he is what’s for dinner. Yum.

Not like Romney. He’s old and white. And straight laced. And what kind of a name is Mitt? It’s not cool like Barack. Willard is even worse. Gross. Romney probably needs Viagra and since he is one of those Mormons, he probably only does it in the “missionary” position.

Mormon. Missionary. Get it?

Ha! Ha! I made a funny!

But I’m serious. Romney should pay more in taxes.

I’m jealous of Michelle because she dresses so nice in those expensive clothes. Not like that Ann Romney woman. She is rich and white, so she doesn’t know about how to keep it real. Michelle does because like her husband, she is A.W.E.S.O.M.E. She is like a fashion maven or something, if I only knew what a “maven” was, I probably would be impressed. She has like this magic lens that the fashion editors see her through because she is fat. Well at least she has a fat ass. Baby got back, if you know what I mean. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I just know that I starve myself to fit into my black minidress and my Psych professor still tells me that I’m a cow…even after we have sex. Michelle always gets a pass. It is because she is married to Barack AWESOME Obama, I’ll bet.

So anyway, that’s why I’m voting for Barack AWESOME Obama and you should, too.

Don’t forget – he got that mean old bin Laden guy, too!

Yea, me!